Health Nutz
on Cape Cod
Published by Five Cats Press
Good Health - Internally, Externally and Eternally
"A very, very funny book" - Robert Kennedy, Publisher - Muscle Mag International
Now in its 4th Printing!
Jack Douglas, best-selling author of many books including "My Brother was an Only Child," "Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver" and "A Funny Thing Happened on my Way to the Grave - An Autobiography" says, "It's the funniest thing I've read in 10 years. Reiko and I loved it. I wish I'd written it myself - I died laughing! It's my kind of humor."
BEWARE! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!
Story Line - Spend Memorial Day weekend at Preston's Health Spa and several happy hour bars. Meet Brian Viking, Tom the Ferret, Loose Bruce, Dr. Neil Ferguson, Lani Evanston, Danny Zipperhead, the Dorkel Suns, Crazy Mike, Stella Lugosi, Doris Karloff, Sharon Blouser, the Gator, King Richard, Latrina and Hazel (the Troll Sisters), Brian Blowhole and Bozo, "St. Michael" from the land of Anhauser Busch, , Ron from the Planet Xenon (A.K.A. The Trance Man) and much much more! Written with the pump down humor of Former Mr. USA who quips, "old bodybuilders never die, they just stop doing legs." Also, visit Rita's Italian Restaurant for the laugh of your life. Plus, you'll get some exercise and nutrition advice from the author who has owned two health clubs and trained thousands of people! (A fiction novel, 8½" X 11", 147 pages, 80,000 words)
Send $15.00 plus $3.00 S/H - Check or Money Order to:
PRESTON RENDELL
9 CHARLES STREET
SANDWICH, MA 02563
Selected Excerpt from Chapter 5 (in the health club):
The small group of Troy and his friends are laughing. After several minutes of this there is a lull in the laughing, at which point Carl says, "I guess now we'll see who the real men are! It will all get back to basics and the real secret of muscle building!"
Several of the members responded with, "Secrets? What secrets?"
Carl responded, "Oh...haven't I told you the real secret of growth?" The six men are now transfixed on Carl much in the way a deer is in the headlights of an oncoming car. Carl continued, "I've read and know from experience that the growth of big muscles is determined by the number of motor units each neuron fires when it receives a signal from the central nervous system. Muscle protein which was destroyed during the activity is replaced. Whether the firing of extra motor units can be achieved by heavy weights; or less rest and more work is dependent on the individual approach... and if I'm wrong I should retire to Sussex and raise bees." Carl then hesitates a second to look at the six men who all have their mouths open and blank stares, then turns and strolls back to his office. He then winks at a female member who has overheard the conversation.
Selected Excerpt from Chapter 8 (at a Happy Hours Bar):
Suzanne weaves her way over through the crowd of people trying not to spill her drink, not to spill anybody else's drink, and not to burn or be burned by anybody's cigarette, as the bar is getting more and more crowded.
"Wait till you get a load of this piece of work," said Dick to Jack.
Jack says nothing, but looks at Dick and nods. Suzanne is 5 feet 2 inches, early 20s, 100-110 pounds and buxomy. She's got a deep bronze tan, jet black hair, Bermuda blue ocean eyes. She's wearing a blue see-through tank top with no bra, a pair of chino shorts, and no shoes. She's got a drink in one hand, a pack of cigarettes and a lit cigarette in the other. She has a very attractive face.
"Lord have mercy on my white ass!" uttered Jack, "My momma told me that there would be days like this."
"Hi Dick! How's your ass?" She then grabs him by the rear end with her hand that has the cigarette in it and drops 4 or 5 of them out of the pack. "I need my oil changed in a bad way," she continued.
Selected Excerpt from Chapter 1 (in a single engine airplane going over the island of Martha's Vineyard):
"It's unbelievable," replies the pilot, "there are many celebrities who live here. James Cagney used to live here. Walter Cronkite and Carly Simon are among the ones here now. John Belushi had a place here and is also buried here. Look at all the cobblestone streets, all the little shops, the restaurants, the fishing, the pristine beaches, and the ah... nude beaches!"
"The what??? The nude beaches???" Carl snaps back.
Without saying a word the pilot banked to the right.
"I don't believe this... in Massachusetts?" said Paul.
Several moments of silence passed before the pilot said, "Gentlemen, if you look to your left, I'll bring the plane down as low as possible."
They looked down at the nude bodies on the beach who begin to wave at the plane.
"Get a look at this," said Paul, "nude bodies everywhere!"
Top of the page
Selected Excerpt from Chapter 6:
Paul and Jack are leaving one happy hour to go to another one and in the parking lot they hear a strange noise.
"Woooo! Paaaa! Whooop!"
"What the hell was that?" asked Jack.
"I don't know," answered Paul. "It came from the other side of that van."
"Whooo! Paaaa! Whooop!"
"Let's go take a look," said Jack.
They both start walking towards the van.
"It sounds like a harbor seal getting castrated without anesthesia," said Paul.
"Baaaa....Whoop...Whoooppp!"
"It's over here," replied Jack. "Your not far off. It's Brian Blowhole and his friend Bozo, and he's puke painting the parking lot." They are 2 blithering drunks from west of Boston. Brian Blowhole is a teacher and Bozo, who is 6'4", 275, has red hair and although he's over 50 years old, still can't get over the fact that he blew his big chance in high school hockey when the coach sent him in during the last period and Bozo went over the boards and was tripped, landed on his head, knocked himself out and immediately taken out of the game. He has been drunk ever since.
"Baaaa....Whoop...Whoooppp!"
Jack and Paul walk around the side of the van and find Brian Blowhole bent over, dry heaving between throwing up on the asphalt parking lot.
"Look at the size of Brian Blowhole's head. Where does he buy his hats from. Voit Basketball Company?" said Paul.
Blowhole also is built like a pear, his ass is much bigger than his shoulders and has little flipper-like hands. He is blond and trying to drown a mistake he made in baseball as a youth. Brian Blowhole has a huge triangular head with a slit for a mouth. There's flies all around his head. His friend Bozo is standing behind him with his arms around his waist holding him up. Mr. Blowhole is drunk as a skunk. The vomit has splattered all over Bozo's and Brian's paste white legs. They both have shorts on.
"Duh...he's a little sick...I guess," said Bozo (who's the type who has his mouth still open after he finishes a sentence.) "Duh..I'm, ah, holding him up."
"We thought you were proposing to him," said Jack with a laugh.
"Looks like the boy is doing a Jackson Pollack with the fried clams he had for dinner," said Paul.
"Whoooop!"
"With French Fries!"
Whooop! Whooop!"
"And Ketchup!"
"Gunfftt!!"
"Outstanding!" said Paul who is now applauding. "A chunk nasal puke. Outstanding."